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What Do You Mean, You Can't Eat in My Home?: A Guide to How Newly Observant Jews and Their Less Observant Relatives Can Still Get Along
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From Publishers Weekly
The subtitle says it all. Jaffe, a ba'alat teshuvah (a Jew who was raised in a secular, nonobservant home and who as an adult chose to live a "Torah observant life") urges families who have diverged in their religious orientations to overcome conflict and preserve shalom bayis, peace in the home. Jaffe tackles the philosophical and practical aspects of keeping kosher, with the understanding that "anything that threatens a family's ability to eat together is seen as tearing apart the fabric of family life." Shabbat and holiday observances raise thorny debates—some seemingly small—that can add up to a broader contentiousness ("I'd like to watch the 10 o'clock news before I go to bed. Do I have to avoid doing so in your home just because you don't watch TV on the Sabbath?"). Other questions include modesty, women's roles, dating practices, participation in life cycle events and education. Through general scenarios, personal reflections, suggestions for defusing tensions, and real answers to real questions, Jaffe encourages readers to treat each other with courage and respect in a way that "strengthens the family rather than destroys it." (Sept.) Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
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From Booklist
Orthodoxy. It's like a different religion. Well, it may seem so to Reform, Reconstructionist, and even Conservative Jews who can be hurt and confused when they discover that a newly orthodox daughter, brother, or even a parent now won't attend a family celebration, talk to them on the phone on Saturday, or come along on the annual family vacation. Addressing non- or less-observant Jews, Jaffe, who chose orthodoxy in her thirties, provides insight into the spiritual roots of a variety of Orthodox practices, including dietary laws, dating and marriage customs, and Shabbos requirements, and offers useful suggestions to help family members understand one another and work through new things together. Jaffe's own experiences provide a real-life template for her readable, realistic guide that, while acknowledging that some conflicts simply can't be resolved, will enable families to face many situations with equanimity and optimism. Stephanie ZvirinCopyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
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Product details
Hardcover: 208 pages
Publisher: Schocken (September 13, 2005)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 080524221X
ISBN-13: 978-0805242218
Product Dimensions:
5.3 x 0.8 x 8.3 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.0 out of 5 stars
11 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#1,746,336 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
First, a complaint: the Kindle price is WAY TOO HIGH, compared to the hardcover prices.But, this is a very useful and interesting book, even to this non-Jew. I have become a more devout Christian and it's upsetting the family balance, and many of the attitudes and feelings she describes in this book are ones I'm dealing with too.I also found it interesting at a cultural level, and it has already helped me understand a little better my Jewish friends and co-workers.Well written, well organized, thorough. The author is almost too careful to keep her personal experiences out of the book; I would have liked a few more amusing and/or poignant stories, like the story about her aunt and the cookies.
After having read and absolutely loved Mrs. Jaffe's "Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage" I was very excited to read this book. However, I found the explanations and solutions suggested in the book very one sided and not really taking into account the rest of the family's feelings. I was also very disappointed that the book did not address how to make peace with a family that consideres itself observant, or keeps kosher/Shabbat to an extent, when one decides to become more observant or keep kosher/Shabbat to a different extent. Overall, I found myself getting very angry with the book as I read it and eventually started to skim it, so much so that I had to put it down. In "Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage," Mrs. Jaffe comes off as sensitive and has lots of innovative solutions from all sides of the problem. But in "What Do You Mean You Can't Eat In My Home" I feel that Mrs. Jaffe has lost her sensitivity, and forgets that Judaism also requires one not to embarrass anyone in public (which I feel many of her "solutions" tend to do). I do applaud Mrs. Jaffe for writing the book and attempting to take others feelings into account, which is more than any other Ba'al or Ba'alat Teshuvah I've ever met has done.
This one should spark plenty of debate and discussion and that makes it the IDEAL book for nearly any Jewish family. It is no secret that many Jews start out in one tradition of Judaism (Orthodox,for example) and then veer off to find themselves in either the Conservative or Reform camp -or somewhere in between. And even if a family remains Orthodox, there isn't just ONE right way to be Orthodox. Is it okay to eat meat before going to a party which will feature milk items - and, if so, how many hours ahead of time can you do so? That question is just one example of how very confusing the rules can be, leading to accusations and judgments, ramping up the tension level. Who needs that? I won't go so far as to say that this book will solve all problems that come along.No book can do that. Sometimes lines are drawn and STAY drawn. Traditions remain, some of them rigid and unbending. But this book definitely opens the door to more peaceful conversations and even some compromises, perhaps even some "new" traditions (one can hope). It also will evoke memories in readers who've experienced the types of issues that are explored here - from parents with very diffent viewpoints to relatives who were judgmental, etc. A gem of a book and a basic for everyone interested in Judaism, whether "new Jews" or "old Jews".
Great book
What a great book! The target audience is people (especially women) who have decided to become Torah-observant and have problems dealing with less observant relatives. Well, I'm pretty much the opposite: totally secular, and (as far as I know) I don't have any relatives or even friends who are as observant as Mrs. Jaffe. Nevertheless, I found this book fascinating! How come? It's a chance to look over the shoulder, as it were, of someone who has decided to follow this path. I have no desire to follow her, but reading about her experiences gave me new respect for those who do: this is obviously something which works for her, and it works well. Something that has puzzled (and worried me) is that the denominations which are thriving today are those whose doctrines and practices are furthest removed from the rationalist secular society: the Mormons are the fastest-growing Christian group, while the Episcopalians languish. And if present trends continue, in 50 years the predominant Jewish group will be of the Torah-observant. Mrs. Jaffe's book gives a hint about why. Now if only we had a similar book from the LDS...
Good book for Baalei T'shuva to help in explaining new concepts to parents, family and friends. After I read it, I gave it to my parents. Not sure what they thought but I found it personally helpful. Easy read.
This is an important read for both the religious and non-religous. It clearly explains many of the common issues that can come up between family members. She emphasizes being respectful and keeping ones connections with family close and open. A really important read!!!
I bought this book for a synagogue library thinking it would help some of the older members deal with children who have become more observant. This perspective isn't addressed, it is solely from the viewpoint of young people having to explain things to their less religious elders. It would be more helpful if it gave practical advice to those who are less religious. I will probably return it.
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